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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Life in a Fishbowl

It has been a very crazy summer! I have enjoyed the learning experience and the journey God has given me as Acting Senior Pastor- I'm learning a lot- I'm growing a lot- and I'm praying a lot. I have long days. Self care has always been a "growing edge" for me... but it is much harder these days. I've had about 3 funerals, hospital visitations, a lay person need to let go of committee chair responsibilities, and a staff persosn resign (for a great opportunity) but nevertheless... a lot... My dinner time with my family has become sacred - it has always been important- but these days- it is sacred. It is often the one hour break I get from 8am to 10pm (Yes I'm aware that that is bad and I need to get better)....

Anyway- today is the first time since I was appointed here in 2006 that living in a parsonage next door to the church has felt like a fish bowl-- or worse.
Someone came by at 6:30pm without calling, I opened the door, said hello and they came in. I didn' t invite them in- they just came in and started talking. I called my husband down to talk because he knew what this guest was talking about and I didn't. I wish now that I had just said, "This isn't a good time- this is dinner." Kevin is too nice sometimes. But I don't know-- I just didn't think... I took the kids and started bath. I had to be at a committee meeting at 7:30. I soon called Kevin from upstairs and he didn't come up to the third time! ugh! I shared my frustration. I don't think I've been so mad in awhile. I felt so violated by this intrusion and mad at myself that I said nothing and mad that Kevin said nothing. I think we were just caught off guard. This was my time to recharge. This was sacred!

In no uncertain terms I will discuss tomorrow with calmness, but sternness that this is not acceptable. There should be some part of my day that I can have just for me- just for my family. There should be some part of my life that the church cannot have. I offer a lot, I give a lot-- and I am happy to do so. It frustrates me that i have to advocate for everything- you have to ask for everything- lay out everything. Maybe that is not fully true and it just feels that way. Sometimes it just feels like there isn't anything that is basic--that is understood--that you don't have to fight for...

I'm learning a lot, I'm praying a lot, I'm learning to value my sabbath time and now I will guard it more closely. Good things to learn...it just sucks when you learn them...