I am not a machine.
I am not capable of going and going and going.
I usually don't take Monday off because I'm too tired for it to be helpful for a day off, and there may be too many things to get ready for at church.
But today I thought I could rest a bit and do some work from home a bit.
But I could not think. I could not decide what needed to be done. I did not know the best order to do it in.
This is not who I am.
I know what to do, where to go, and who needs direction.
And what happens if I'm not that?
I'm bubbly, helpful, and joyful.
But what about the days I'm weary and exhausted?
Today is a day I want the instant gratification of getting up, feeling great, and getting it all done.
And my body and my life are not cooperating.
I can't take the disappointment when my colleagues ask, "Did both of the girls go to school today?"
No-- I only got one to go.. The other refused to get out of bed.
I feel shame. I feel sadness. I feel the disappointment and disapproval of others. I feel fear. I feel judgement.
I have all these things to get done in the next 20 months-- until... July 2026.
That's when my time is up here.
I have 5 months until one kid is done with Senior Year.... She'll be done at the end of January 2025! And she can begin at community college...or whatever....
My second child will finish will finish in 16 months- January 2026! Currently a Junior, she too could finish early.
It feels both freeing and like a tremendous amount of pressure to know these things.
Its like every moment needs to count.
In each day - I need to be equipping, preparing, getting things set up to run smoothly for the church, for my children's ability to be independent, safe, and kind, I need to be working towards becoming debt free, and financially more fiscal....
I'm just so tired.
I feel sad and alone and I wish there was someone here to wash dishes with me and laugh about the day.
One of my children texted me in anger today about how she hated me because I wouldn't get her McDonald's.
One of my children refused to eat at the table for dinner and said she wouldn't eat unless I brought her dinner to her room. Her intensive in-home therapist reminded me that all I needed to say was "Your dinner is ready at the table." And I did.
She eventually came and got dinner.
One child did eat with me and we talked about her essay, and homework, and then she read and fell asleep on the couch rather than getting anything done.
And I sat here feeling guilty because I have so much I should be doing... but I just want to pile blankets on top of me and close my eyes and not deal with anything.
I am tired.
I hate being tired.
I have a feeling I will feel more like this the older I get.
An 82-year-old woman in my Spiritual Gifts class last night struggled to see how she can have a purpose and make an impact at her age. She is amazing, kind, and encouraging to others. She tires and struggles and forgets often. She wonders, What can I do?
And there is so much.
In a culture that only seems to value output, results, and getting things done....
I must remember I am valued simply because I exist.
It's 6:45 and I feel like I could just go to bed and sleep now.
And ... maybe I will.
And maybe... I won't feel bad about it.
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