Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the Night Before Christmas at the Preacher's House...
There was a very cool article about how pastor's do Christmas that was floating around Facebook that I thought was pretty good.

For a lot of folks Christmas can be stressful, especially for Clergy, Clergy Moms and Dads, and I believe especially for Clergy Couples. Churches can do a lot to ease the stress off the pastor so that the pastor may be the most effective s/he can be-- especially on the night that is most the most highly attended church service of the year!

I am very very thankful for the amazing church I serve!

Messiah United Methodist Church is an amazing community of faith sharing the joy of Jesus Christ!

I've had both of my babies here. In fact we found out the day after we moved in the parsonage that we were pregnant.

I thought they would just be so disappointed! Here they brought on this young vibrant pastor and I was exhausted.... But no, they never thought or acted this way. Once my church knew that Kevin and I were expecting our first child- they were as ecstatic as we were! Then when sixteen months after our first we had our second, they joyfully welcomed her too!

Messiah has always been wonderful at offering childcare at church events, worship, meetings, etc. They were like this way before I was here.

But here's the huge thing- if I'm the only one who needs childcare at a meeting...it is still made available for me. That is huge! (Some of you will really know this!)

We have wonderful families, but neither Kevin's family nor mine live close by.
At church events, worship, etc, we do not have family who can help with our children.
One year, our children were in the nursery until 12:30am on Christmas Eve!
(We have the most amazing childcare/nursery workers ever!!! They love our children and we love them!)

We are a clergy couple- so we usually both need to be at church at the same time.
Currently, we serve at the same church (which has advantages and disadvantages to child care needs--for ex we once were both leading retreats (me for the Women's Ministry, him for the Youth on the same weekend- Aghh!)

For Christmas Eve this means four services 5, 7, 9, and 11. I lead the 5pm service for children and families. This service used to only have the children's Christmas pageant and children's music.... which is great--but I added a sermon when I came on board. Mostly because I figured that for some folks this may the only church service they attend all year, but also because every opportunity I get, I'm going to preach the Gospel. Dr. Teresa Fry-Brown used to walk into the classroom, shout out a text, and give us 3-5 minutes to preach a 3-5 minute sermon.
Even if I've got only a small window of time...its still an opportunity...

Kevin preaches at the 7pm Youth Service and then we're both at 9 and 11.

For a couple years now, one of our friends who also happens to be a staff member (although this is not part of her job!) has offered to be at our house with our children (and her kids come over too) we turn on the fire and they hang out enjoy watching movies, and our kids get to bed.

They did this again for us this year and it is a huge help- an enormous relief!

So after I finish preaching the 5pm service, I get the kiddos, take them home, get them in their Christmas pjs, and we put out Santa's cookies (milk will come out later).

I am so thankful for our friends helping us with this!

A few other kids have joined in this tradition- folks involved in the music ministry (who are also at church all night) have dropped off their kids.
SO in addition to my two-- our friends watched 2 other families' children!
With a total of 5 kids.
Before we left for church earlier in the afternoon on Christmas Eve-we pulled our pack n play out for one baby and cleaned the guest room up for another child to sleep.
Of course now- it still looks like a tornado hit our house --- post-Christmas....

Also for the past few years, one of the amazing women from our church, a Mom, and a friend, and a leader out of our PoLO's Parents of Little Ones ministry has organized "Christmas Eve Lunch" to be brought to our house on the 24th.

This is amazing and overwhelming, and I fight back tears as swarms of loving folks ring our doorbell bringing food. We were brought, turkey, ham, potatoes, green bean casserole, pumpkin bread, pumpkin cake, apple pie, salad, fruit salad, a Breakfast casserole! SO So much food!!! We ate a bit for Christmas lunch... but we are so go-go-go... that we don't tend to fill up too much on Christmas Eve... We really eat this on Christmas Day!
We have nothing to worry about on Christmas Day because of this joyful and kind service! And we are SO THANKFUL!

On Christmas Eve I tried to clean most of the day- we're having visitors coming in town this week... and since folks would be over in the evening of Christmas Eve I wanted things clean and organized... and I just wanted it to look nice for me- especially before the whirlwind came Christmas Day.
I cleaned until around noon ish-- then we ate a bit of lunch and then I put the girls in the bath by 2 ish. Gracie thought it was hilarious that she was taking a bath in the middle of the day!

I got the girls in their dresses, hair done, tights, shoes, and Kevin and I got ready and then we read "Twas the Night Before Christmas."

I wanted to be at church by 3:30 but didn't make it till 4 (still needed to print out my sermon and go over it a bit)-- even when its 5 minutes-- you still want it good! :)

Kevin was going to drop off girls at the Children's Choir room by 4:30 and get them where they needed to be. I had enough time to print sermon, pull my hair up, get my mic, robe, and stole on, put the nursery workers cards and gift cards together (and asked someone to take them down to the nursery for me- yay for delegating!) and got in the sanctuary to greet folks coming.

5pm came and the service went great! I'm pretty sure we had about 1000 folks at the Christmas Eve Service (but that's a "preacher's count" lol) Folks went out to the narthex...

The greatest part of service this year? After preaching my sermon- I sat with my family and together we watched the pageant together. We even got a picture!

Afterwards one of the youth helped Kevin get girls in settled in stroller to go home while I said goodbye to folks. Then I walked the girls home and got them settled with our friends.

I made it back in time to see the 7pm service. I wasn't participating in this service, so I had the great joy to sit in the pew and hear my husband preach!

You might be wondering - do preacher's eat dinner on Christmas Eve? I'm not sure how other's do it-- but I only eat and the other pastors and musicians and those involved in services at Messiah eat because of the love and generosity of the SPRC (for non Methodists- that's Staff Parish Relations Committee --they're like HR) The Staff Parish Committee sets a spread for all of us in the parlor. We have caffeinated drinks (a must), sandwiches, hors d'oeuvres, sweets, etc.. Everything is delicious and we graze all night.

One of the best Christmas Eve's -- it was right before the 11 o'clock service and I said something that sounded really Southern and I laughed at myself and said, "Wow, I'm tired my Southern accent is really coming out!" And Ralph (our Sr. Pastor said), "I hate to tell you this, but you always sound Southern!" We all were rolling! He has an incredible sense of humor!

The greatest part of Christmas Eve is singing "Silent Night" seeing the light of the Christ candle spread throughout the congregation and as the light is spread, Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus come up the aisle and stand with the pastors. I love sharing a hymnal with my amazing husband, holding my light high, and seeing the light throughout the congregation knowing that Christ has come!

At the end of singing Silent Night, Pastor Ralph gives this benediction:

"O holy Child of Bethlehem, descend to us we pray;
cast out our sin, and enter in, be born in us today!"

We sing "Joy to the World" and process out of the church with the acolyte leading, then Mary and Joseph, then Kevin and me arm in arm, and then Pastor Ralph and Pastor Jose side by side (they tend not to walk arm in arm!).

I love Christmas Eve! I love being a pastor and a mom and a wife-- and I love that God and my church have called and equipped me in all of the above!

The Cat in the Hat

I'm excited to be speaking at St. Stephen's UMC on Monday to their Mom's group. They've asked me to come and speak on balance. I did a retreat on this almost two years ago for our Women's Retreat at Messiah. I called the retreat "Living God's Creation in a World of Chaos."
The retreat is based on Genesis. Creation- and what God does in creation- God creates out of chaos. There is always chaos.... what do we do with that?
Do we control it? or do we allow God to create out of it?

Tonight I mentioned to someone that I'd be doing this on Monday morning. I've written about this kind of thing before.... but I said that I was doing this talk on balance and the person responded laughing, "Oh do you know anything about that?" I "joked" back-- Yes- I know a lot about juggling for sure!

Example:
Today I had a meeting in Richmond. Because of this I missed our District Clergy Meeting- but Kevin still needed to be there. Preschool for the girls didn't start until 10- but Kevin actually needed to be at meeting by 9:30 (but that's only the coffee and doughnuts...part). The MOM's group at church meets at 9:15 and had childcare so I asked if Kevin could drop them off then and if one of the Mom's would walk the girls to school at 10 for us. I arranged a ride for Kevin with someone who was willing to leave a little late. I left around 8 to get to Richmond after setting out clothes for the girls. I was so very happy when Kevin called me and all of it worked out :)

Someone may say - why did you do all that- someone may say I'm codependent--someone may say-- why should I find my husband's ride yada yada.... coordinating schedules, making sure calendars mesh--- that kind of works to my gifts, so I do that. I do not feel burdened by that.... but I juggle it - I organize it - I make it work (kind of feel like Tim Gunn when I say that :) I do not make it work alone... :)

But back to the the person's laughing response - "Do you know anything about that?"
I'm not hurt by the comment, but I wonder when I hear this - and I write about this because I hear people say things like this to other folks a lot-... what is it that others expect? Do you ever wonder that when you hear a response like this?

What is they expect when it comes to balance? What do we expect when when we say balance?
Sometimes comments like this do bother me a bit- if I'm completely honest, only because it is a slight put down-- or it could be taken that way. It hits my overachiever button-- where I want to prove to you (whoever the you is) that YES I am balanced- YES I have it all together- YES I DO- and I'll show you!!! and then you'll see!

Why do I care what they think? (It's like I want their gold star...) This is silly, but I think anyone who is an overachiever type person may understand this desire.

My balance may not look like your balance-- my balance is not status quo, static (and truly my life will never looks like level scales)... but that is not peace for me. My balance is about taking the chaos that life throws at me and letting the Holy Spirit sweep over it the way God swept over the dark watery chaos of the beginning and creating something new and good!

Tonight I read "The Cat in the Hat" to Grace and Sophia for the millionth time.

Tonight, as I read these words:

Look at me! Lookat me now!" said the cat. "With a cup and a cake
On the top of my hat! I can hold up TWO books! I can hold up the fish!
And a little toy ship! And some milk ona dish! And look!
I can hop up and down on the ball! Butthat is not all! Oh, no.
That is not all... "Look at me! Lookat me! Look at me NOW!
It is fun to have fun. But you have toknow how. I can hold up the cup
And the milk and the cake! I can hold upthese books! And the fish on a rake!
I can hold the toy ship! And a littletoy man! And look! With my tail I can hold a red fan!
I can fan with the fan As I hop on the ball! But that is not all. Oh, no. That is not all....".
That is what the cat said...Then he fell on his head!

He came down with abump from up there on the ball.

The thought occurred to me that we are all we are all on a giant ball-- and we are trying to balance it all-- and it doesn't work. It doesn't work if you're trying to do it by yourself. The only reason I "balance" at all - is because I am held by the power of God, the Holy Spirit guides, comforts, instructs, holds it all together, holds me accountable, and makes something new...something I would not be able to see. God surrounds me with people who help me to hold it all too- people who creatively help me see, create, and do. There is no way this day would have worked had I not had the community and supportive, amazing, people around us. This is the church! This is the body of Christ. This is what tells me every day that I am not alone. This is what tells my silly overachiever button that life is not about me being an overachiever- life is not about me saying, "I can do it all by myself." (Which my mother will tell you was my first full sentence).
Life is about saying look at me look at me look at me now- I fall and I am broken- and look at we look at us- look at Christ- and see how we are now whole. Whole from brokenness, created new out of chaos.

John Wesley said, "The best of all---God is with us." The other night I was at a workshop where they asked us to think about what it is we love most about our church. We thought about that, talked about it, wrote it down. Then they said, "What if you didn't have that?" The words that came were : devastating, lonely, isolating.

Without God, without church, without community, we'd constantly be falling down with a crash.
But because of God we're whole, because of church we're loved, and because of community we're held together.


I would add to Wesley's quote- that the best of all is that God is with us, and so is- the church.

Learning Wholeness

I have not written in quite a while. I returned so full from our Holy Land trip- and I still am- I am filled with peace, with joy, with smiles and memories- and looking at pictures, reading my journal, I am back there. I even have an App on my phone that tells me the weather in Jerusalem! Part of me is still there... I've planted a part of my heart in the Holy Land and with the people there.

I have been ill since I've been back fighting off bronchitis and sinus infections. I pushed through and got exhausted and rested and pushed again and fever, headache, sinus pain slowed me down. I'm not good at resting. I feel like I should be able to take the medicine my Dr gives me and poof! be better. It seems that I have to learn this over and over again- that- this isn't quite how healing happens. I cannot keep doing and keeping a normal pace.

My husband is good at this or at least he is good at holding me accountable to this. I feel guilty when I rest- when I miss things- when I can't keep up my normal pace. I am a high energy person and I really can't stand when I can't keep up my regular pace. There are many people I haven't had a chance to catch up with since I returned, there are things I haven't had a chance to get done...I'll finally have energy and clean the whole house, do five loads of laundry and then I'm back to being exhausted. Kevin just looks at me and says- "You have to rest." Yesterday he said, "Hey- you promised to do this when you were ordained." I said, "How so?" "Well, he said, "you committed to self care too." It is really amazing and wonderful and even little frustrating... to have someone who holds you accountable. I need it and I am thankful- the frustrating part really is not being able to be as productive as I'd like. There's a lot to be done.... and I enjoy doing it too...

But I'm learning. Lent is a powerful time to be held accountable. I find that one of the things I have to learn is to slow down- to focus on Christ- and to be still. I do not do this naturally... or easily. But I have a best friend in my spouse who reminds me of this and teaches me. I can rely on him when I need to rest and there is no guilt and this is amazing. I especially felt guilty resting after being gone for 10 days on our trip- and now I'm back-- but not fully back like usual!

But this has also taught me- I'm more than what I do. There is more to me- to those I love than what I can do for them. Sure, they love my energy, and my doing-ness- but they love me first.

God loves us first- God is not satisfied with sacrifices and what we do-- Our actions are important and necessary- but there is more that God wants.
Psalm 51 says, "For you have no delight in sacrifice; if I were to give a burnt offering, you would not be pleased. The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."


I think sometimes I feel so filled with the joy of Christ that I think I can just go forever and not tire... and yet I do - I get really tired, I get exhausted, and I get sick-- these past two weeks- evidence.


I pray that in this Lenten season, I may learn to have my heart, my soul, my body, my whole self broken for Christ and healed by Christ, and made whole by Christ. That I may listen and be still for what it is God is calling. Let me then bring forth my energies, my sacrifices, all my service-- for then I will be filled and able to give more freely.

Closing Questions

Back in November, I attended the New Church Leadership Institute offered by our Annual Conference. It was amazing, inspiring, reality filled, discernment pushing, powerful learning.... It was taught and led by Jim Griffith. He is amazing- and if you ever have the opportunity to attend anything he is doing--GO! Even if you are not interested in church planting- you'll learn a ton! Since 1996 he’s assessed over 1900 church planting candidates, trained over 9,000 planters, and coached over 1500 projects. He works with over thirty organizations.

I was supposed to attend this back in 2008-but I decided that it was more important for me to get away to write my ordination papers- and that worked out pretty well.

So I went this year- and I knew even a bit more about church development and planting because in 2010 I was asked to be on our Conference's Church Development Team. That's been a lot of fun and I've learned a lot.

So there are like 20 pages of exit interview response questions after attending the event. The questions are really good- and they truly help you reflect! The conference was held mid November- so we went into Thanksgiving, Advent, etc. and the exit interview questions were due last week-- I'm finally getting them in!Agh! (I did take a real- real vacation last week and pretty much did not work)But YAY! I have finally gotten it done. In some ways it felt like writing ordination papers again- but I was definitely more ...free flowing in this. No one is really grading me- this is for me... Yikes- won't it be horrible if it turns out differently? :)

No really- its a good thing- the whole thing was about discerning- are you a church planter are you called to do this... I found some answers that I was not sure I would have and some that were hard to accept. But isn't discernment like that-- when you really do it? You learn you can't agree with yourself like you wanted...sometimes the answer is a "yes, but".... (not like you thought it would be).

So the closing questions are:
1) Had I known you better, what question would I have asked that I didn't ask?
2) If money were no object, describe your dream job?

These are great questions! And so this is what I wrote:

If I am completely honest- I sometimes fantasize about what it would be like to be a stay at home mom… I know I would not last long- or I would just be taking on project after project in ministry anyway… sometimes it comes out of a mom-guilt thing- but mostly it just that I take so much delight in my children. I really love being with them! They are amazing people! They are kind and sweet and funny and smart and loving-- and they love learning and they remind me to be in awe of life and God and the world around me!

When I was a US-2 Missionary I loved everything about my work and was there 80-90 hours a week- I got married and pulled back to about 60-70 and my husband became essentially my biggest volunteer (as his youth director job only was 20 hours a week at the time). When I was a youth pastor I tried to convince my husband that we should move out closer to the church we served so that we could do more for the youth—but he reminded me that our reasons for coming to Atlanta were for school and that I would have plenty of time for full time ministry.

I love ministry still and I am still someone who works easily 60 hours a week. I struggle to not work on vacation! But these days- I have a much easier time saying no to work and yes to my girls—sometimes I wonder if that means I am not as passionate as I should be about ministry. But I have discerned that I am no less passionate for ministry, but my passion capacity is also filled by the greatest and most amazing part of my life—my children. My parents were busy a lot and not always available—I will not do that to my girls.

I want to be with them more than anything. I love and want to be doing ministry. It is never easy and I rarely – (read here) never achieve balance- and I do not believe an equilibrium would be a good thing anyway- that is what balance is - equilibrium taken literally-because that would mean that nothing is driving me.

The house is never clean, the office is never organized- there are papers and piles, and a million things that are never completely done. I am pulled in a million directions and every day is a decision of what matters most and how much can I handle and who and where can I get the help I need to make it happen- who can I delegate to- who can I empower- and how can we work together to make it all happen in the joy of Christ?

That is a very long answer. Essentially- I’m doing it. As long as I am delighting in my family, creating ministry, producing fruit-creating and transforming disciples who transform the world- what else is there?

Yes- there is money… and I need money- I would really like to not have student loan debt, a car loan, or any debt, I would love to someday be able to own my own home. I would like to do bills without feeling anxiety…but I feel confidant that step by step it all will work out and we will be provided for no matter what.

God is always providing for us. I like simplicity and most days- when it comes to finances- I miss the simplicity of our life in Detroit when I made $200/ a month and Kevin made just a bit more- our room and board were provided (although we paid half back to the church since we got married in my missionary term –but that is another story) but we had less stuff and less to worry about.

I do worry about my capacity to keep it up—I used to think I had never-ending energy—I’m beginning to learn I don’t. This time is about tough choices and how to find ways to live out all these calls God has given me and realize God will tell and lead me in it all.

I guess that is the question I would have asked—how do you keep it up? How do you not get burnt out from taking on too much? How do you say no when you love it all? I work on these things all the time—I’d like to see how others do it well. I learn from that.

So that's my answer to the Closing Questions.

I do not have if figured out- but I know that God is here, that God has called me, that every day God equips me, and that God is in control.

When there is chaos- God will create- when there is too much going on- God will take away- when I'm ready to listen and hand it over I will see that God will guide me and I need not worry. I am in the right place.
I can't not be who I am called to be- that means a wife and a mom and a pastor- even when it is messy and crazy- its beautiful and I delight in it. I delight in the joy of being married to my very best friend and the love of my life- I delight in my children, I delight in the joys and challenges of ministry!
And it is all from the Lord! I delight in the Lord!

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)