A Reminder On Hard Day in Ministry

If you pause in the conversation, 

"It's dead silence. "

If you respond too quickly. 

"You weren't listening, but waiting to talk. "

If you preach on one theme. 

"You are ignoring the rest of the Bible."

If you bring on new volunteers, 

"You're obviously pushing the seasoned volunteers out. "

If you created a new sustainable framework for a ministry area, 

"No one likes the new way"... on the first day.

Everything you do is 

watched 

judged

evaluated 

picked apart. 

You are a walking fishbowl. 

And most of the time they have already formed an opinion of who you are.

And...it's not changing. 

No matter how much you preach and teach about emotional health and intelligence, developing a growth mindset, healthy boundaries, self-awareness, conflict resolution, Matthew 18, direct communication, crucial conversations... 

You aren't who or what they want/ expect. 

And they are going to text and talk about you and not to you. 

And you know who's problem that is? 

NOT YOURS.

Don't take it on. 

Don't let it hurt you. 

Illegitimi non carborundum.

Shake the dust off your feet. 

Remember Paul says in Galatians 1:10:

 "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."

You will not make everyone happy. 

You're not here to do that. 

GO-- Make disciples. 

Don't worry about making everyone happy, or like you. 

GO-- Love them. 

No matter what. 

And... Give yourself Grace. 

We Need Jesus

 It may sound trite.  It sounds like something we put on a bumper sticker or a t-shirt. 

Ya'll (all ya'll) need Jesus. 

But it is so true. 

This world is filled with so much hurt and pain. 

If we don't see it-- we are lying to ourselves. 

We are numbing, ignoring, and choosing not to see.

This morning, as I was dropping off my daughter a woman, was continuing to drive through the parking lot without noticing the thruway traffic and was going to just keep going without noticing the oncoming cars.  Typically this is where someone would stop and look both ways before proceeding into the passing traffic of cars.  She did not stop and I honked my horn to alert her to please stop. 

She became irate. 

                                          Not the actual woman-- but a good depiction of her anger)

Our windows were up yet I could see clearly that she was cussing me out with a great deal of rage.  

I chose to stop and I calmy just waved her forward to keep on going. 

She mocked me by waving like I did while continuing to angrily cuss at me.  

I waited. 

She proceeded in front of me and then was forced to stop by the oncoming traffic.  

I was so ... shocked isn't the word. 

Sad, for sure. 

And somewhat confounded. 

Why so angry? 

Because I honked so she wouldn't proceed into the thruway? 

I guess I could have just stopped and let her go on and not done anything at all.

Yet, there's nothing wrong with using your car horn to alert someone not to plow into you. 

Part of me thinks, perhaps it's not worth it?  

To communicate with the car horn saying, "Hey-- remember there are oncoming cars here, please wait your turn."  

I kept trying to think about what I would have done if someone had honked their horn at me, typically in those moments I have waved and said-- "Oh, I'm so sorry."  

She was so angry and filled with rage as she mocked my gesture and hurled insults at me that met silence by the windows of our car. 

Why so angry? 

              It's 7:10am 

              We're in the High School parking lot dropping off our kids

                The sun is rising

As I drove home I couldn't help but contemplate this interaction further. 

I continued to feel so sad. 

I want to just stop the whole thing and go and tell her-- You are okay. 

You are loved. 

I want to hug her. 

And say--- it will be okay. 

As I drove away from the school, another car in front of me, another parent who had just dropped off their child had a bumper sticker that read, "Live. Laugh. Love.  And when that doesn't work, Ready, Load, Fire." 

I understand the bumper sticker is being, or trying to be "funny." 

And yet, our first response to practically anything is--- reactive.  

Rarely do we see the capacity to slow down and be thoughtful in the face of interactions with others. 

Faced with pressure to react to a situation, Jesus, often paused. 

When a mob wanted to stone a woman for adultery, Jesus knelt down and doodled in the dirt. (John 8) 

When faced with something that startles us, like someone honking the horn, or worse... where is our capacity to wait, pause, to reflect, to think, to respond?

What is at work inside of us? 

In this season of Easter I am contemplating so much -- Is Christ alive in me? 

Is it evident? 

Is Christ alive in me? or is Death at work in me? 

Do I offer grace and hope, peace and love?  

Or do I offer the things of decay, death, hurt, and further pain? 

Am I bringing hope or am I bringing fear?

Why was this woman so hostile?

I understand it really isn't about me. 

And yet,  I'm so sad. 

Sad- that someone is so on edge, that a honk of a horn warning them with basic driving etiquette, evokes such a rage-filled response. 

The kind of rage that leads to people choosing to take their anger and aim it at others while they shoot them: 

At birthday parties in Alabama 

In banks in Kentucky

At Easter Egg Hunts in Florida 

A Christian School in Tennessee 

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_mass_shootings_in_the_United_States) 

I also recognize that this possibility of a rage-filled, on-edge life could be true of any and all of us. 

Being in the world and dealing with life is so hard. 

There is so much pain and stress. 

So many people are walking around with all of that all the time and they have no idea how to deal with it, how to regulate their emotions, how to tolerate the distress they experience, and how to process the pain of life. 

Most of the time when we try to deal with our heavy feelings and pain- and we tell someone how hard something is, the response we receive can be either:

- Dismissal-- Yeah- well, get over it, that's just how things are. 

-One-uped - You think you have it hard, well let me tell you... 

The world is aching for an acknowledgment- a validation of their pain-- to just be heard, to be seen, to be loved. 

Jesus does this. 

The very presence of Jesus in the world is the acknowledgment of how much pain God sees us in and how God loves us and says, "You don't have to live this way." 

God sent Jesus to live and suffer WITH us, to love and teach, to be present and connect, to heal and release us from the bondage of sin, and to save us from the chasm of our own sin, pain, and death. 

Life does not have to feel hollow, fearful, angry, and hostile. 

How can we remind each other of this-- devoid of self-righteous,  I told you so, despicable religious behavior? 

How can we love in a way that is real and authentic that doesn't come across with a patronizing "I've got it all together" air but comes humbly willing to say-- This is all so hard and Jesus is here with all of us?

How can we share the love and power of Christ that can defeat this pain and increase our capacity for love, compassion, and grace in a way that those who are in so much pain can truly receive it? 

I don't have an easy answer. 

I do know that loving and offering compassion in this world of hurt and pain is an act of resistance.

We ask these questions when we profess our faith: 
Do you renounce the spiritual forces of wickedness, reject the evil powers of this world,
and repent of your sin?

Do you accept the freedom and power God gives you to resist evil, injustice, and oppression in whatever forms they present themselves?

Do you confess Jesus Christ as your Savior, put your whole trust in his grace, and promise to serve him as your Lord, in union with the Church which Christ has opened to people of all ages, nations, and races?

I love these questions and I am constantly in awe at the depths of what they mean. 

I also know that these three questions are linked and they require a daily response from me.  

I need Jesus.  

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15: 

"Now I would remind you, brothers and sisters, of the good news that I proclaimed to you, which you in turn received, in which also you stand, through which also you are being saved if you hold firmly to the message that I proclaimed to-- unless you have come to believe in vain."  1 Cor 15:1-2

 

Do we say in words, hashtags, social media posts, and superficiality, and not believe and embody the life and love of Christ? 

We all need this reminder. 

Have we come to believe in vain?

What does it look like to NOT believe in vain?

What does it look like to rise up and be alive in Christ? 

How can we share God's love and change the world? 

Setting my mind on the Spirit

 It's the first week of Lent. 

I decided I wanted to write and reflect more for Lent.  

Years ago-- I wrote on this blog more often and there was a time I wrote nearly daily. 

The last post here was in 2020. 

A lot has changed in my life since then. 

I turn 44 tomorrow. 

Years ago I wrote a post reflecting on my 40th birthday and the state of the church. 

Then I was mourning the eventual break of my church. 

I had a spiritual director and we found a connection.  

At the time in 2019, I had been in ministry for 13 years and I felt like I was losing something in my church as the church began to break apart. My parents separated when I was 12 and were divorced by the time I was 13.  My family broke apart and in 2019 it seemed as though my church family was breaking apart.  My spiritual director and I found a metaphor in my parents' divorce and the divorce that was occuring in the church.  I was grieving and feeling lost. 

I hate the phrase, "God only gives us what we can handle."  

I don't believe that is true. 

I cannot handle all that is going on.  I need Jesus to hold it all. I can't deal with life.  I need Jesus to take the burdens.  

And Thank God for God.  Thank God for our Savior Jesus. Thank God for the Holy Spirit interceding, comforting, and convicting. 

Jesus says, "Come to me all you who are weary and caring heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28 

There was a lot of pain during my adolescence.  

11- Mother fought Breast Cancer 

12- Parents Separated

13- Parents Divorced

14- Father Remarried

- Mother had a life-threatening illness of staff infection in her spine and was hospitalized for weeks.  Doctors said she would die or be paralyzed from her neck down.  She survived and needed an IV every day for a month or more and I cared for her throughout the summer.  

15- Mother Remarried abusive narcissist.

16- Mother's husband convinced her to move from Virginia to Alabama and I lived alone. 

17-  My step-father had convinced me I was worthless and I almost gave in to that thinking and nearly took my life.  

There was more than this.... but all that I'm willing to share publicly now... 

I was alone. 

I thought I had to do it all alone.  

I didn't know it could have been different.  

I was not healthy.  

I smoked cigarettes was addicted to caffeine pills and weighed less than 100 lbs at 5'7.

At my lowest moment- I felt the assurance that God was with me.  I can't quite say I remembered this scripture because I'm not sure I knew it then well enough to have remembered it.  But I heard it spoken to my heart. Psalm 27:10: "When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the LORD will take care of me.

For years that seemed to be the hardest time of my life. And yet, I knew God was with me.  God led me through it. 

By 18, I was at college and it was like I had found my home.  I grew in my call and clarity about who I was and whose I am, it all became clearer.  I found a home at my college, in the United Methodist Church, and most assuredly in a call that God was guiding me in. I began therapy with the chaplain of my college and learned to set boundaries and finally began caring for myself and learning not to hustle for my worth by over-functioning and people-pleasing (still working on all this.)

By 21 I met my husband. 

At 22 we were engaged and I became a missionary. 

By 23 we were married. 

By 24 we were in seminary together. 

I was so grateful that now it seemed I had someone to share life with.  To share my joys and sorrows.  Someone to pray with me and be in ministry with. We even made our license plate "2Clergy." 

At 27 we were serving in our first church and found out we were pregnant with our first child. 

And by 28 I was a mom. 

And by 29 we had our second child. 

Last year, he left.  

He had lost himself.  

I had my first birthday in 21 years without him last year. Friends gathered around me and I was loved. 

He didn't communicate much with me or my girls for about 7 months. 

For many of those first months, I cried and I relied on my friends and community. 

I sat in my chair reading my bible and weeping. 

I clung to Jesus and just sat there holding myself with my arms wrapped around my shoulders. 

I would pull into the driveway and just sit there in the car weeping after getting kids or a kid to school.

My first year as a single mom was hard. 

And it doesn't feel like it's getting any easier. 

My girls are really struggling.  One moment one of them will be doing well and then in the morning after a good night, she's telling me she wants to die and she "F'ing hates me." 

Another is refusing school and I celebrate the fact that after 3 weeks out of school, I got her to just go into the building for 30 minutes yesterday.  

I'm so grateful for mental health professionals and for the intensive outpatient therapy program my younger child is doing.  And I got a referral from the pediatrician for my older child to do this too. 

My girls struggle with Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, Autism Spectrum Disorder, and Mood Disorder... 

This morning after I got one kid to school after a lot of struggle.  She did apologize for cussing at me and yelling and all the hard things. 

Every day I'm trying to show up and be present and love them and help them and yet it feels like it is never enough. 

 I'd love to say I'm co-parenting... but their Dad takes them every other weekend - basically 4 days out of a month.  I am thankful for those weekend breaks.  I'm thankful for child support. 

I find myself in my second year of doing this grieving still so much. 

I don't grieve the struggles of living with 3 people with mental health struggles in the house and trying to regulate myself, another adult, and 2 teenagers.   

I don't grieve the frustrations and fears when he yelled and screamed and shut down in the midst of  crisises with the children. 

I do grieve the life I had imagined I would have. 

I thought I'd have a best friend and partner to pray with me and live in and through this together. 

I thought there would be someone to laugh with and have dinners with the kids around the table, and to celebrate their victories with. 

I have cried out to God so much and wondered, pleaded, and asked-- Why?  

Why have I had to experience the hardest parts of my life alone? 

Why- when I see other people in loving marriages with supportive partners - must I have to parent and navigate this hard time by myself? 

Why Lord!? 

It's not fair. 

I'm sad and weary and tired.  

The car broke.

The sink broke. 

The flashing tore off the house. 

The car broke again

The dishwasher broke. 

I feel frustrated and angry. 

Every day it's hard. 

The girls scream and fight -- about taking a shower, helping with chores,  or just getting out of bed-- to function. 

Every single thing is hard. 

And I am worn. 

This morning read through Romans 8 and I read through it again and again. 

"For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.  To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.  For this reason, the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God's law- indeed it cannot, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God.  But you are not in the flesh; you are in the Spirit since the Spirit of God dwells in you." 
Romans 8: 6-9

In the moments I am crying -- God is here. 

I long to be held and loved. 

As I weep in my weariness, the Holy Spirit is holding me. 

Jesus is loving me. 

When it feels like I am doing this all alone. 

When I wish that I had someone to be a Father with me as a Mother... 

I pray and I pray and I pray. 

And as I sat here and prayed and cried a friend texted me--- thank you Holy Spirit. 

I called and they prayed with me. 

And then I sat and prayed some more.   

And I know the truth. 

I do have a Father here. 

My girls do have a Father who is present and loving, who is patient, and kind. 

My girls have a Father who never leaves. 

I have a partner to walk with me and parent with me. 

I am not alone. 

God is here. 

This isn't the way I thought it would be. 

But I am not alone. 

When I set my mind on the things of the flesh- I do feel hostile toward God. 

 I feel angry and frustrated that I don't have a partner here in the daily struggles or in the small miracles.  

 I don't have a companion here to hold me through the night and wake up with me.  

I don't have someone to pray with in the night when tears flood. 

But I do. 

I do have a God who is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. 

I do have a God who will never give up. 

I have a God who keeps his covenant. 

I'll soon be divorced. 

The covenant I made on July 27, 2002, will be demolished--- it already was when he stopped loving me; when he chose to love someone else; when he shut down; when he didn't ask for help; when he chose to cling to the easy quick impulsive wants rather than to the faith we shared.  

No - this was not what I signed up for. 

I have friends who have had divorce parties. 

I'm not sure how to navigate this. 

It doesn't feel like something to celebrate.

But I do know that I trust in Jesus. 

I do know that God is doing a new thing.... a million new things. 

I will celebrate that. 

I do know that I'm learning how to love again. 

I do know that I am learning how to be loved in ways I never imagined could happen. 

I do know that God has more for me. 

I do know that I am not alone. 

I will celebrate that. 

I am setting my mind on the things of the Spirit. 

And I am choosing to see and know that God has not and will never leave me.