The Practice of Emptying

This week has been really- Really- Really -full week.

We celebrated the life, death, and resurrection of a very dear friend of mine on Sunday. Powerful, sad, joyful, inspiring.
This was Sunday.

Change comes into life. Well- really- it doesn't "come" into life-- it is life-- change is life-- change, rhythm... and yet sometimes, it is so hard.

Our church life is experiencing change now-would you call them growing pains? I'm not sure. Vision pains? I don't know what the words are. I am learning and learning and learning. I am watching and feeling sad and worried and praying. I pray for church unity and for sisters and brothers in Christ to hear one another, to assume the best (rather than the worst) of one another, to seek to know the heart of people rather than place blame, judgment, and hostility.
I feel so much for those who feel upset and for those who feel angry and for those who feel worried. Fear and anger are intricately connected. How do I soothe this? How do you comfort and lead at the same time?
The church hurts sometimes.... (it aches as a whole, it hurts those in it, and it just hurts....)
This was Monday (and a lot of days).


Life as a Clergywoman presents challenges that I would venture to say clergymen do not experience. Even beyond the basic parts (if you are Mom) handling temper tantrums while trying to respond to an emergency pastoral phone call.... Being a clergywoman sometimes means that you remind "The Church" to recognize the need to strive towards equality (because I'm telling you- we are not there). We do not see as Christ sees- we do not see as Paul said, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus"(Galatians 3:28). Being a clergywoman means that you remind "The Church" that we do not need a "special occasion" to have a woman speak at an event - it doesn't have to Women's History Month, or a special women's anniversary, or a Women's Ministry Event. Speaking up and doing this well get you comments and sometimes snarky jokes, rolled eyes, annoyed people. You are not being a "femi-nazi" (a term I loathe) if you do this. You are being called. Others will look at you like you are an annoying thorn but so be it.
This was part of my Tuesday (and sometimes part of a lot of days...)

It all felt so so very full.

I must say a disclaimer here: I hesitated to share this all because it is all so vulnerable.
I'm really putting myself out here- Yes, I hurt when I lose people I love. Yes, sometimes the church is hard. Yes, sometimes being a clergywoman is tough. But I have hope. I share this out authenticity, out of honest, raw, realness. Some people read stuff like this and say- that's why its easier not to get close to folks and feel (because you'll hurt), that's why I don' t go to church (because sometimes people can be hurtful), that's why women shouldn't be pastors (they push back and stand up and need to be taking care of babies too)...
I share this because yes- I feel it all and

I don' t give up on living, on faith, on church, or on my call.

In many ways Lent is about emptying your self---- giving, sacrificing, letting go, letting go of self.

Sometimes people give something up to come closer to understanding all Christ gave for us. Giving something up is not about saying, "See - I gave something up."

Thought this was a good article on Lent and giving things up.

Sometimes adding something is helpful.
Inevitably if we add something- we give something up. The point is about making the focus less on us and more on Christ. Its about seeking to grow closer to Christ and what God has done and is doing for us.

We empty self and are filled with Christ.

Its been a full week--and its only Wednesday.

Sometimes we fill full in a good good way. I've felt that this week at times.

Sometimes we fill full and its not so good (and I'm not just talking about when you've eaten too many samoas) - I mean filled with emotional pain....

Both can be overwhelming.
And strangely enough- we can sometimes feel both of those at the exact same time....

So we need to empty. Empty ourselves.....

We're holding a lot.

We try to hold it on our own.

And it is a burden.

And it is heavy.

And we can become weary.

And then we are not our best selves...

We don't need to hold it ourselves.


We all have different words painted on our hearts, on our hands...
and we can just lift them to God.
Give them over.
Empty them out.

Last night after getting the girls to bed, I ran out to Target. Picture day was today and I wanted to be able for them to have coordinating outfits for their pictures (sibling pictures). Last year I was able to get similar outfits that were different colors.... So I headed out- took the dog for the ride with me.

The minute I was in the car- alone- no radio going...
I just started weeping and weeping and weeping.
I wept for everything.

So so much. (I haven't even hit it all here.... nor could I) .

Our poor dog Lucy came over and tried to comfort me.
(Dogs are so smart and I think there is some reason beyond me that Dog is God spelled backwards...they have powerful compassion).

I could not stop weeping.
I thought of calling a friend...
and I did... really...

I just started talking to God about everything.

I love the cross that hangs in the sanctuary at Messiah United Methodist Church.
It is an empty cross.

This picture was taken last year on Holy Thursday.
This was the garden of Gethsemane above, and as always hangs the Empty Cross.

Its kind of powerful that the picture I could find is of the sanctuary turned into the Garden of Gethsemane. In the Garden, Jesus emptied himself and gave everything over to his Father in heaven. On the cross- he takes everything we have. The empty cross is a sign for us that Jesus can take it all. Give it all over. Fill it up-- the cross can take it. Jesus already has taken it all. There is room here for everything. Lay the weight down and stand.

Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11: 28-30).

Letting go is not easy-- but being empty of the burden is so powerful.

Its empty in a way that you are no longer in want (Psalm 23)
Its an empty in a way that you no longer thirst (John 4:10)
Its an empty that means you will no longer hunger (John 6: 35)

Throughout Lent (and always), I will need to continue to empty myself, so that I may be filled with the love, joy, grace, and peace of Jesus Christ.

Playing as Spiritual Practice

Almost 9 years ago- my husband took me on the best vacation of my life- our honeymoon! When we arrived I started planning, thinking, scheduling-- what day should we do this or that, budget out our money for eating out, etc. There was so much to do- parasailing, kayaking, going to the beach. Kevin said, "Nope- we'll eat when we want to eat, sleep when we want to sleep, and play when we want to play." That is probably the first time I really really played and rested. Kevin has taught me how to rest and how to play!

But I don't know if anyone has taught me how to play better than my girls. My youngest especially! Sophia knows how to play! She has the most amazing imagination. Both of my girls do- but I realized that when Gracie was Sophia's age she was always instructing her little sister to play. "Sophia follow me" and "Sophia let's go do this." Gracie is often content to do her own thing and lead-but Sophia has no one to teach--except me and Daddy usually! And she does! She teaches me how to play!

Saturday Gracie napped as she recovered from her fever and Sophia and I played and played. Yesterday when we came home from church Gracie said she was going upstairs for a nap and Sophia said, "Mommy! Color with me!!" I wanted to just check on Grace and Sophia just screamed "No Mommy! Stay! Sit! Color!" After a brief meltdown where I checked on Grace and I came back- we began our coloring.

Sophia put a crayon in my hand and said- here Mommy you use this one. Draw a princess. Now draw a prince charming. She is coloring with me. She took a pink crayon and said, "Now the monster comes." and she draws a monster. Then there was a wolf, and a pig, and then a wicked witch, and then another prince and princess and I think some other characters too! She created a whole storyboard!


Here's a closer picture:



We then had to go hide Sophia said! Because a wolf was coming! (They love playing wolf and pigs and singing a song about the Big Bad Wolf that they learned at school!) She loves to hide behind the big chair in our living room and its a house! And then she brings everything and dumps it back there. I was directed to stay. I propped myself against the buffet and the wall and she covered me up and brought me pillows and we had a tea party, called Grandparents, sang our ABC's, and played and played.



Then all of a sudden Sophia said- Okay Mommy- You be a alligator and I'll be a dog- Now you're a pig and I'm a horse- I'm a princess annnnnnd you are now a monkey!
Hilarious!

Then Sophia said- Mommy let's go play with our dolls! We go upstairs and play with barbies, princesses, McD's toys, Shrek, stuffed animals, little people, and my little ponies, and one random dragon. All came together in a brilliant story Sophia orchestrated and directed me in. (Seriously- Toy Story got it right!)

Then it was time for dress up! She flung open the trunk and began pulling clothes out left and right until she found what she was looking for. She was determined and had a plan!



All along- Sophia taught me to play and dream and imagine. Playing is pure joy. Play is a spiritual practice- it opens us to discover to dream- to aspire. Not to have a plan-- not to figure everything out- not to schedule but to enjoy one moment at a time. I am so thankful that my wise Sophia and my sweet Grace pull me out my moments of thinking--- "but I really need to clean this or do this or go fold this laundry..." Sometimes what I really need to do is "Sit down Mommy!" and play!