This week began as my
first full week serving a church filled with amazing people.
I've been
doing a lot of listening. I've been doing a lot of praying. I've
been trying to get my office organized, catch up on sermon planning, meet tons
of new people, provide opportunities for fun for 2 girls, and keep
everything--everything up.
Every day I have no idea how the day finished
already.
Each day has been full and usually 12-14 hours of non stop work.
God is in it all. But I've been tired at the end of each day.
Exhausted.
I am barely getting
"it all done" (really-- not at all) and I have not kept up with the world.
I see updates on my
phone and I breathe and pray and keep going and later... I lay in bed at 1 and 2
am after the day's work is done(or at least stopped) I read about the
atrocities in the world with my heart breaking.
And I fall asleep
praying.
Knowing God
is real and here in the world.
Knowing God
doesn't get exhausted like I do.
And I pray. Lord, Have Mercy. Christ, Have Mercy.
And I pray. Lord, Have Mercy. Christ, Have Mercy.
That's all I've got. For now. And I just have to let it be enough.
My prayers are enough.,.for now.
I haven't been making speeches or writing great blogs - I have amazing friends who are doing this needed and prophetic work. But all I could do in this week was pray-- and keep being there for my church in this new time.
I pray.
I pray about what I know
and I pray about all I don't know.
I haven't cried this
week about the injustices of this world because I haven't let myself feel it
all.
I'm not trying to be
numb.... I have just felt so much already.
In a new appointment - I
feel like a sponge- and I am soaking it all in..... and I just have no more
room.
But.... I can't not
know--- I can't not care. I can't not feel.
But I just can't respond
to it all right now.
It doesn't mean I don't
care.
It doesn't mean my
silence is a condoning of injustice.
It just means- I'm doing all I can right now.
My prayers are not any
less real when they aren't posted on Facebook.
And yet- as a pastor- as
a public theologian- I have a responsibility to lead, to bear witness, to
equip, to encourage, to speak out, to call out injustice, to comfort the
broken, and to always, always, always share the good news.
So today- finally on the
first Sabbath day I've had-- I let my focus be on uninterrupted time time with my husband. I really needed it. I am so thankful for him. We caught up on the week and on what we've been feeling and thinking. And together we caught up on the world and the news. And then I gave myself some silence from the world.
And now I have the energy to respond publicly-- rather than in the late night silence after my exhaustion, but now from a place of Sabbath renewal.
And now I have the energy to respond publicly-- rather than in the late night silence after my exhaustion, but now from a place of Sabbath renewal.
And now.... now I
weep.
With my newfound energy
from this day-- I weep.
Tears and prayers and
anger and fear and sadness and hope and worry and tears and prayers and no
words—no words—and no words are adequate.
I pray for Alton
Sterling.
I pray for Philando
Castile.
I pray for the five officers who lost their lives in senseless violence protecting their community:
Brent Thompson
Patrick Zamarripa
Michael Krol
Michael Smith
Lorne Ahrens
I pray and I pray and I
pray.
And often my prayers are
wordless-because I have no words and I need no words—for the Spirit intercedes
with sighs too deep for words.
I pray.
I am praying for a day
when fear no longer rules.
For the day when peace reigns.
For the day when love is our primary
response.
I am praying for an end to violence,
For
hope to invade.
For compassion to lead.
For love to ignite every heart.
I am praying for our prayers to turn into changed hearts, opened minds, and a transformed world.
I am praying for our prayers to create conversations where there is now chaos.
I am praying for our prayers to turn confusion into clarity.
I am praying for our prayers to turn prejudice into peace.
Please pray with me and for me.
Pray I can be present for all the people I need and want to be present for.
Pray I will rest when I need to rest.
Pray I will do what I need to do when I need to do it.
Pray I will listen when I need to listen and speak when I need to speak.
Pray that this Sunday I will have the courage to lead as God is calling me to lead.
Amen.
I am praying for our prayers to turn into changed hearts, opened minds, and a transformed world.
I am praying for our prayers to create conversations where there is now chaos.
I am praying for our prayers to turn confusion into clarity.
I am praying for our prayers to turn prejudice into peace.
Please pray with me and for me.
Pray I can be present for all the people I need and want to be present for.
Pray I will rest when I need to rest.
Pray I will do what I need to do when I need to do it.
Pray I will listen when I need to listen and speak when I need to speak.
Pray that this Sunday I will have the courage to lead as God is calling me to lead.
Amen.
2 comments:
Yes, good thoughts amid troubling times. Blessings in your new charge.
Yes, good thoughts amid troubling times. Blessings in your new charge.
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