Growing in Gratitude: Thoughts on Gratitutde and Guilt

This week Gracie finished writing thank you notes to her friends from her birthday party!
She had an awesome birthday party! We did a fabulous 80's Cartoon Themed Party - filled with a "Pin the T on Mr. T", Pac-Man maze, Mr. Roberto Dance Contest, and a She-Ra/He-Man area where we "had the power" on a Scooby-Doo Pinata! It was a blast!

Many people said, "Is this for Gracie- or for ya'll?"
The girls really loved it- we have thoroughly shared our 80's cartoon joys with them!

We had 24 children at the party!
Plus parents who were having a blast! My mom wonderfully wrote down every present on a nice notebook. (Where is that notebook?) Seriously- how does this happen to me? We write down who gave what-- and then I lose the paper-- does anyone else do this?

(This is why I think I must "need" Siri someday-- I'll tell her everything and she'll make sure I can't lose it!)

But you know what? We wrote "Thank you for the gift!"

And later when I'm packing the house.... I'll find the lovely organized notebook!

I was glad to share the joy of sharing thanks with Gracie.
She insisted on writing the notes herself-- this was very slow going. She maybe wrote four or five herself.... I wrote the others and she signed her name.
We still have grandparent thank you's to do that we will finish this weekend.

For her friends, we took a group picture of everyone in their very cool star sun glasses (from the goodie bags) and we wrote a note on the back of the picture. Gracie was so excited to write these notes to her friends. She was glad to thank them for coming to her party!

Some folks struggle with gratitude-- this may sound strange if you are someone who doesn't have this struggle...
But think about it.

Sometimes people connote gratitude with guilt.

Now- guilt isn't always bad- sometimes guilt motivates us to do what we know we're supposed to. Sometimes guilt leads us to repentance....its like a tugging that says-- "you know what you're supposed to do...-- you should do it."
I'm pretty sure- David felt some guilt when he came to repentance and wrote Psalm 51.

Repentance is good- it is cleansing-- It releases us from burdens.

I think there is a lot of difference between guilt and shame.
I think shame is like a gnarled chain that wraps around you keeping you from liberation.
I think guilt may be the motivator to allow yourself to be liberated...

I really have a lot of thoughts rattling around this (shame, healing, liberation)--This book just arrived today from Amazon and I look forward to reading. If you have thoughts, reading suggestions, etc please share in the comments or message me somehow. I want to explore this some more.

Some people may feel shame around gratitude...
Has anyone said to you, "Aren't you grateful?" or "You should be grateful."
I'm not sure about you- but that doesn't usually make me feel grateful-- it often makes me feel crappy. Really -- really crappy.

It hits my not not enough button.
Meaning- maybe I didn't show them I was grateful enough...
What did I do wrong?

What really is rough is when folks say stuff like, "Aren't you so grateful you have a day off?"
or "Isn't it wonderful you get vacation?"
The best (worst?) was when I was on maternity leave: "Aren't you so grateful you get maternity leave?"
Why yes I am --and yest... this is normal.
(Normal in this socioeconomic life we have in North America)
I try to understand the intent of questions like this (in the most non-codependent way possible). But I think this is where shame stuff gets involved.... (and thus my desire to explore this more).
After my experience at the post office, I began thinking-- whenever we are anywhere- we could think we are anonymous- but more than likely we are leaving ripples - what will they be? It's like we just spread our shame and brokenness around when we say stuff like this-- it certainly doesn't leave wholeness or peace or joy behind.

Gratitude can be confusing sometimes.
How do you know you've thanked someone enough?

For some things-- is it possible to ever say thank you? Really - really say Thank you!

When I was pregnant with my first daughter, Grace--our church was over joyed and showered us and showered us and showered us!
It was so overwhelming and wonderful and overwhelming.
I could not keep up with thank you notes-- and I would often feel frustrated and mad at myself.

And I would write some, but always felt like I can't send this one until I have finished them all!
Well- what happened? It would never get done.
Sometimes I find thank you notes I wrote but never sent! AGH! (major vulnerability here--you see my weakness) Why did I not just give them out? Because I wasn't fully finished...

But you know?
I'll never be finished thanking folks.
Never.

And I'll never thank anyone enough really....
But I will thank them and thank them and thank them the best I can.

And my thankfulness will be an overflowing of my joy.

It is good to write thank you notes. They matter. They show other people that they matter.
Writing thank you notes can be fun.
Gracie had fun writing them.
They do not need to be overwhelming.
Thank you notes need not be a treatise.

Lately I find that with stuff like this I just need to do it right away
- the minute I think to do it- I must do it.

So, when there is a major thing and I've got lots of people to thank, I'm just going to do a little at a time and send it all out a little at a time and not worry that some may receive their note first. If I don't start somewhere, I just won't start. If I think it has to be this perfect thing and everything has to go out all at the same time-- it just may not happen.

If so and so receives their note before Sally Jo, they'll have to be okay with it.
And I"ll have to be okay with it and know I cannot be co-dependent about this (worrying what everyone will think and trying to prevent and make what I worriedly assume might could happen- ack!)

At Gracie's party she stopped and said, "Thank you" to every person as she opened her presents and she gave each them a hug.

We wrote "thank you" notes - not because her first "thank you" was not good enough, but because it would mean so much to her friends...and it would also mean a lot to her.

It means a lot to her to know and see that she wrote and shared her joy with them.
Because that is what gratitude really is-- not guilt, not shame, not "your thank you isn't good enough" -- Gratitude is sharing your joyful thanks with others.

I'm thankful for my girls who help teach me this- and help me to grow and recover a greater understanding of true gratitude.