Friday, April 26, 2013
Inch by Inch
The weather has been nice and I have catapulted myself outside Tuesday and Thursday afternoon of this week and today.
Tuesday night after we had a family hike, Kevin was pulling inch worms off of me.
Today- I sat with my sweet Sophia in the "castle" of our playset. She played with an inchworm and I sat and read for sermon prep, but mostly watched her marvel at the inch worm and then saw several around me. I became drawn in by the inchworms, spiders, and ants that surrounded on the rickety and loved playset.
They just hung around me by threads.
There is so much that is unknown.
In two months our lives are changing. My amazing husband is taking a leave of absence from ministry. He is not giving up on ministry, but stepping back to answer another call or perhaps it is the same call with another branch... He feels called to teach and is pursuing this call. He'll need to go back to school, he's taking tests, filling out applications, submitting resumes and trying to secure a job all while still caring for his congregation.
I am in awe of him.
I am in awe of God who I know has gone ahead of us in this. I know we are not going haphazardly into the unknown, its charted by my Maker-- I just don't know the way yet.
Most days I'm good. I don't really ever feel confidant--- but I feel assurance.
Today I felt super overwhelmed.
And I think that is why God made me be still and see all the inch worms.
Sophia picked them up and they went way off track by this crazy giant girl. And then she sets them down and they keep on plugging away, inching away. They hang there by this thread seemingly hanging in space and they just inch on.
I realized today that I hadn't made a few calls or done a visit I had hoped to do.
Every day-- there is more and more and more I could do and should have done and didn't get to.
I have always struggled with enough ness--- but talking with a clergywoman friend this week I wonder if its even more as a pastor. I feel such a compulsion to do so much.... Its as if I see need everywhere and I cannot relieve it fast enough.
I have much to learn from inch worms.
I walk past the bulletin board in the church and see that I haven't gotten around to changing nor have I developed a team to do so yet... I remember that I haven't yet organized this meeting, or built up this leadership here or there, or remembered to call and check on this family, or followed up with that family, I haven't sent the thank you notes that I want to do, I can go on and on and on... and sometimes I will write "what I did" list.. and that's all well and good.....
The laundry had piled, and yet I'm thankful that I spent some time to just play with my girls, that I fell asleep reading to Gracie the other night, that I've had time to make my family dinner every night...
I have a lot to learn from inch worms.... and I need to read some Annie Dillard again.
I have no idea what is coming. I have no idea how we will make it on just my salary. I have no idea what life will look like. Kevin is applying for various teaching positions and hoping to have something and be going to school too.... we hang by this thread inching along. The thread is strong. God holds us.
On our trip home recently from visiting family in Florida-- we got off the interstate and took a more enjoyable route. We knew it added a bit more time-- but it was so lovely. We needed some enjoyable quality time just us.
I said something to Kevin about how I didn't worry about the destination or getting home "on time"
we had everything we needed. How lovely just to drive, share conversation, see beauty and enjoy the ride.
So much of my personality and call is about being on fire. I often feel just sparked alive with passion and propelled forward. I feel as though I am being led and pulled, I too often feel as though heaping coals of vision are dumped on my heart and I have thousands of flames ignited and I am not yet sure of what they will catch on to. Too many visions... so many dreams... ideas after idea....
And while that is so true... this week I have just felt set down.
I've felt humbled and observant.
And perhaps I've just needed to watch inchworms.